Random thought on something that happened the other day: So this woman wants to know her M.A.C number, as the make-up consultant is assisting her she screeches “no! no! that (powder) is too dark for me get me blah blah number- it is lighter.” assistant tells her the number she wants is too light for her skin tone, annoyed the woman tells the consultant that “make up must make my skin lighter and brighter. lighter is more beautiful I do not want to be dark when wearing make-up.” the make-up artist gave up on her eventually and so she went off with her too light for her skin expensive make up cause she hates her dark beautiful skin. I think that is just sad wherever she is she is walking around looking like a ghost but it’s none of my business.
Sometimes I wish I could be able to honestly say that there is nothing that I regret in the choices that I have made in the past but sorely I can not believe that every path I have chosen was predestined or written in the stars. I fail to convince myself of such lies which in in depth truth gives me a little comfort that I can not lie to myself. I think is a greatness within oneself, the ability to be completely be honest with oneself that it must be some form of super power we possess as human beings. When my head hits that pillow all truths come gushing into my head, they swirl in my mind buzzing, I toss and I turn but most of the time I am able to ignore their deafening noise and sometimes they cut me so deep sleep is near impossible. I have been having a lot of these painful sleepless nights trying hard not entertain my truths that are confronting me… when my mind is forcing me to confront my truths, I fear what my inner true self has to say to it’s robotic self that it has somehow created.
I fear the disconnect from all the things I am most passionate about, I fear most that I have lost my vibrant passion for creative writing my eagerness to expand and grow in the things I love the most like painting and sketching, photography, swimming and riding a bicycles, reading alone and dancing, cooking new recipes, making time for special friends and family. My hands are itching for charcoal on a sketchpad they they are twitching for a brush and paint on canvas, my mind is nagging for a pen and paper. I feel my spirit is in dire need of all the things that it loves passionately that I have abandoned. my soul misses connecting with my mind and body, I feel guilty to admit it- to admit that in the turbulence of life going on around me I have neglected my precious self, my family and friends. I miss connecting with them being there to celebrate all their mile stones to sharing secrets and laughter.
I have gotten so caught up in fitting my life into a 9am to 5pm day, getting home drained and tired from something I dread doing but convinced my head it will get better because bills have to be paid. I fear I am starting to live like a robot. it terrifies me that I let it get this far and I fear most that I might not be able to find my way back to all the beautiful things my spirit loves so dearly.
now I know what I have to do, my mind, body and soul have spoken I will not starve them anymore. it might not take me a day but sure as the sun will rise tomorrow my whole spiritual and physical being will not suffer from starvation of all things it loves so dearly.
I refuse to be silenced by my fears, but I shall rather have my tongue liberated when I have overcome those fears. I refuse to be held back by my past mistakes, but I shall rather rise above them with wisdom and experience. I refuse to let differences be the obstacles preventing me from forging new relationships, but I shall rather embrace those differences. I refuse to hold back my love for a soul just because it rejects it, but I shall rather learn to give it to someone who will reciprocate. I refuse to be called naive just because I believe in second chances. I refuse to be the cause of another’s sadness when I could have easily become that of their happiness. I refuse to be mediocre when I can naturally be unique. I Refuse To Be That Which I Am Not…
One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where “boy meets girl” “boy loses girl” “boy gets girl back” – the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say “I can’t smile without you” “I can’t live without you” “You are my everything” describe the type of love we learned about growing up – toxic love – an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self – and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can’t be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
“Don’t love too soon. Don’t trust too fast. Don’t quit too early. Don’t expect too high. Don’t talk too much.” – Inspirational Women
When I read this I thought to myself I am clearly not one of these “inspirational women” by their standards because first of all I do not understand what it means to love too soon. Everyone I love, loved and everything I love I have never planned to love whether that love was returned or rejected for me it happens gradually and next thing I know is I am in love and I love intensely and passionately.
I trust earnestly my family and people that come into my life, friends, lovers, colleagues, my hairdresser, sometimes even sales people because I when someone tells me something I believe them and trust that they are what they say they are and they will do what they say they will, sometimes they don’t and that trust gets broken but I gave them a chance and sometimes I get hurt but I know then not to trust them again but not without having trusted them first.
I generally have high expectations of people even for myself that should not mean I am setting myself or other people up for failure why should I aim low, I have big dreams and ambitions that are not always met but I will continue to expect highly of you until you disappoint me, other times I disappoint myself but I continue to expect highly of myself!
I do not want anyone telling me not to talk too much hell I will shout, sing and laugh out loud with my people and sometimes strangers, I will share some of my most intimate thoughts dreams aspirations and desires with my close friends, family and lover and sometimes they will want to share those things with the world without my permission but I tell you what when I was letting out every breath I would have felt a liberating release in me knowing that I have people to talk and share my thoughts and things with.
I agree with only “do not quit too early”- finish what you start! I do not always get too the finishing line and I look back and think… My! My! My! I could have finished that and most of the time I’d lack the energy to go back and start at it again most of the time finishing would have been a great accomplishment.
I hope I inspire people to stay true to who they are and not confine themselves to the standards and ideas of other people and what works for them…
Love! Trust! Share and Aspire for greatness… do not quit!!
people can be so annoying though
It was the early 80’s when I was brought into this world and in my late 20something yrs I still don’t know why I am here. Career wise I am clueless about what’s next. Thought I found true love at some stage, but it was all just a stupid childish fairytale (I’m just glad that I don’t have a child nor did I get married). So where to from now you ask, I have no idea. I now believe in the whole que-sera-sera motto. One thing I’m sure about is that I have a hunger for faraway places, seeing new things, experiencing new cultures, learning new languages, tasting foreign food… If only things were that easy, I’d pack my bags now and just pick a country on the map and kiss the life that I know now good bye.
How does one even start planning such a move? Obviously I’m not asking about the saving beforehand. But I’m more worried about the smaller details. I don’t mind back packers accommodation, but then there is the job hunt, the skin irritations (due to the water or weather), and the human trafficking issues. Gosh need I say more.
I promised myself that this is the year I get off my lazy ass and do what I want to do life wise. I believe I’ve stuck to my parents wishes long enough, age isn’t on my side anymore *laughing*, I’m going to seize the moment. Get to see what the world has to offer. If shit hits the fence I can always come back and pick up the pieces.
I have a twin sister by the way, who I will miss dearly. Hopefully I can convince her to come with, and then we can both have stories of the “great adventure.” I’m not sure if the parents will be thrilled with the idea, but I know they will support our decision as long as we keep them posted of our travels. The fact that me and twinny will be together will give them comfort that we will watch each other’s backs. Mmmm, damn the thought of all this actually happening always gets me so hyped up.
A wise hippie once said “YOLO” and a wise guru once asked “when last did you do something for the first time”